Finding Inner Peace within Chaos
This is my story... One girls journey from Chaos to Clarity:
Hi, my name is Lisa Gawlas and I feel that sharing my story is important for many reasons. The main reason is to show I am no different than anyone else on the face of this planet... well not really anyway. The majority of my life was hard and painful and I suffered many physical and emotional effects due to that part of my life.
However, the one thing that saved my life (in more ways than one) is the very thing I teach now to anyone who is truly interested in helping themselves... I learned to develop myself spiritually. I am now a very gifted psychic (I prefer the word Spiritual Reader tho) and I am an excellent teacher for those interested in Spiritual Development. I no longer suffer from (severe) depression and have healed my ulcers and have been totally and completely healthy (both physically and emotionally) now for 5 years.
Here is my story:
My childhood was not very pleasant. I was born to a mother who preferred money and men over child rearing. My father left long before I was born. I spent time in and out of foster homes and group homes until finally reaching an age the courts decided I could be emancipated (declared a legal adult) at age 16.
I gave birth to my first child when I was 20 years old and my last child when I was 28 years old. My children were the very best teachers anyone could have ever asked for. I am so grateful that they loved me so much (in spirit) that they agreed to come into my highly dysfunctional earth life so that I may learn the many lessons that comes with being a parent.... and the struggle to be the best parent (vessel of love) a person could be.
For the better part of my life, I was angry, bitter, depressed and questioned the validity of God at every turn. As a child I could not understand what I had done so wrong to have this very lonely and painful life. I grew to hate the concept of God. He seemed to be one more element in my life that echoed worthlessness within myself.
The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 13 years old, the last time was when I was 38. The history of my life seemed to be like an angry ocean... crashing down around me at every turn. No matter how many times I picked myself up and steadied my feet, there always seemed to be another wave waiting to crash down around me.
I had an experience on 11/11/00 that was so powerful... so life changing that I feel the need to share it with you. In June of that year I had yet one more wave tear my life apart. I was severely depressed. So depressed I didn't leave my house for 3 months.
In the summer of 2000 a friend had given me a book to read "Opening doors to other worlds" (I forget the author, I no longer have that book). I glanced at it several times and put it down. I really wasn't a big fan in what some would call the occult. But then, in November of 2000, something inside of me compelled me to pick up that book and read it from cover to cover. There was a very small chapter in that book on Ouija Boards. I have heard of Ouija Boards before but never used one. Something from deep inside of me started to dwell on this particular chapter...
I became obsessed. I wanted a Ouija Board and I wanted one now. My son (who was 17 at the time) had to work that night so I asked his girlfriend if she wanted to play with me on the Ouija Board... she hesitantly agreed. Now I had to find a Ouija Board. Being in the Baptist Belt of NC I knew this was not going to be an easy task... little did I realize it would be impossible. Good thing the book said you can make your own Ouija Board... which is what I had to do. I bought some plastic board and cut it up into little two inch squares and put a letter on each square as well as numbers, yes, no, and good-bye. I bought a 69 cent plastic pudding cup from K-Mart as the plachette (the thing you use to move around the board).
As I was driving home with the contents that would soon make up my homemade Ouija Board I realized there was a full moon outside. I told my sons girlfriend this should work well since there is a full moon (where that statement came from I have no idea).
I sent my youngest child (then 10) to her room at 7:30 pm and told her to stay there. I was not sure what to expect and didn't want her to know what I was doing.
The book said we needed to concentrate. It also said we need to ask simple questions when opening the board. It never said anything about protection before starting this event, or what may come of it.
I placed a small tape recorder next to me so that I may capture anything that was needed for later review. I started asking the question "Is there anyone here". I repeated this statement several times with nothing happening. I realized that doing it this way (as the book instructed) was going to take too long. So I decided to incorporate the first two questions (from the book) in one sentence "if there is anyone here please tell me your name".
After about the 3rd or 4th time of repeating this question our little pudding cup that our fingers were resting upon moved about 3 inches! We both quickly removed our fingers from this cup...completely startled and blaming each other for moving the cup.
After we composed ourselves we put the cup back in the center of my kitchen table (which was serving as the board itself) and started the question over again. This cup immediately moved to the letter C then A then D E E it took a pause then moved to J I L L. The name of this person was Jill Cadee.
I asked many a question. Found out she lived in Iceland in the 1600's (the dates were exact but my memory doesn't recall the dates now). She died when she was 22 years old (and the dates she gave us added up correctly. She said she had 4 children and a husband who died in a fire and later she died on a boat in a storm on the ocean.
The information seemed to come without effort. We had almost no concentration between us. We were smoking cigarettes while using this board... taking our fingers off and putting them back on the pudding cup... but it never interfered with the communication that was coming thru. This cup moved fluidly and without delay.
All of this information came in the course of about 2.5 hours. I now had to stop and go get my son from work. The book also didn't mention anything about closing down a board either. All of this I learned after words.
When my son got home we were telling him in detail all the incredible events that were happening on the kitchen table. He was not impressed... actually became a little nervous. I retrieved the tape recorder to play it back for him and was amazed at what happened on this tape. When me and his girlfriend were simply talking to each other...the tape played normally. When Jill was present and giving us information you could hear a twang in the tape, and it would skip in parts.... but only when we were talking directly to Jill.
We assured him nothing scary was happening... this was actually fun and exciting. This was soon to change. Something very strange happened when the three of us sat down to use this board together. Instead of the loving energy that we could feel coming from Jill, the board seemed to get very dark... very heavy.
It started spelling out the words "fero die... and fire die" over and over again. At one point it spelled out the word Evil and as the word evil was being spelled out a rather large spark emanated on the wall just behind my son traveled down the wall across my dining room floor into the living room and blew out the light that was on the table in the living room.
From somewhere deep inside of me, from a place I can't even tell you where... I instantly raised up my hands in the air and yelled "There will be no evil across my table". Instantly the energy left. But now we were scared. What on earth happened. To this day I have no idea.
I don't know why, but the event didn't scare me, but it did get me angry. I wanted Jill back! After we calmed ourselves down and changed the light bulb in the lamp, we went back to calling on Jill.
Jill came back and started talking to us. My son had a question for her. For the last 6 months or so my television started to turn off and on by itself. I even had it sent out and the off and on switch replaced, but it didn't stop it. The lights would go off and on by themselves. Even my washer would turn off in mid cycle and start up again later. So he had asked if she had been with us the last 6 months. It is in this reply that I knew that me, nor either of the kids had anything to do with moving that plastic pudding cup. She said no, she was with us for the last 5 years. My jaw dropped. In my calculations of 5 years that would have put us in PA and I asked her... since PA and she said no, since Florida. I stopped and thought a moment... ohh my goodness, 5 years ago I was in Florida. That is when I got divorced and then moved to PA.
This quickly turned the conversation from her incarnation to why on earth was she hanging out with us. About a prior to this Ouija session I had seen what looked like a young girl from olden times (I could see her clothing and her face quite clearly) as I was driving home from work. She appeared in my car where the passenger side windshield meets the passenger door. She was so clear to me and only lasted a few seconds... but that image remains vividly with me even today.
I asked her if that was her that I had seen in the corner of my car. Her reply was rather surprising. She spelled out "protect you crash". My son broke down and started crying, which of course started me crying. I then asked her why she was with me all this time. She spelled out "Because he loves you". I was surprised at that answer... but now was hmmm challenging. I am not sure if I was challenging her or the incredible information that was coming out... or myself even. But I became almost mocking... saying out loud... ohh someone loves me, how nice... who is it that loves me. Inside of me I was sure the answer that was going to come out was God. And it was all I thought about as I kept saying sarcastically who loves me... (truly expecting her to spell out God because that is what was in my mind)... I was humbled beyond belief when she spelled out Jesus. I cried.
We were now into our 8th hour of using this Ouija Board... it was 3am and what more could you ask when someone tells you that Jesus loves you so much that he sent a spirit to the earth realm to pretty much hit you over the head to show you how much you are loved. (said with a smile mind you)
Jill said it was now time to rest. I didn't want to rest... I didn't want this to end. But she said good-bye and that was the end of our Ouija Session. It never worked again. I tried many times after that for a couple weeks... but got nothing but stillness from it.
These 8 hours irrevocably changed my life forever.
I needed to get back in touch with this energy named Jill and find out why she said she was hanging out with me because Jesus loved me. I went on the computer and started looking for other ways to contact spirit... and eventually found information on meditation.
Little did I realize that meditation would be the single most difficult thing I would ever try to do for myself. Talk about a mind that was totally and completely out of my own control! Until the moment I started to attempt to quite my mind, I never realized how busy I was thinking (and most of the time stressing) about nothing. Well nothing that really mattered.
My mind was so habitual with its thought patterns I would be in a whole session of self talk with myself for 10 minutes before I realized I wasn't even focusing on breathing any longer. I would get so angry and frustrated with myself I would have to stop the meditation attempt and return later when my (out of control) emotions calmed down. I do want to stress a very positive point here... I NEVER GAVE UP!
Because I quit my (severely negative, emotionally crippling) job and had lots of free time (but no money) on my hands... you could find me trying to meditate up to 5 times a day. I eventually found my bathtub to be the place where I would not fall asleep or concentrate on the traffic going by. I was by far the cleanest human being around (smile).
2 months and many variations of meditations later... I was starting to get control of my reckless mind. I could focus on my breath with feeling and vision. I was starting to receive very primitive pictures in my mind... altho for years I was clueless what these pictures represented. I would like to share two of these experiences... and explain what I came to learn of their symbolism.
The first image that I ever received spontaneously was of what looked like a pencil drawing of a rather simple eye. It would float in from my right side and float across to my left side, disappear then reappear on my right side and start all over again.
I was so excited to see this I would watch it for the longest times... which I came to realize helped me to develop focus in my meditation. Little did I know at the time this imagery (which I thought was random) was actually spirit showing me the opening of my eye chakra within the spiritual world into my physical world. (The right side represents the spiritual world... and this is always where the eye originated from. The left side represents the physical world and this is always where it floated to then dissipated.)
I also found a picture on the Internet of this simple looking eye that for at least a week seem to be the focus of my meditation... much to my surprise it was exactly the same symbol the Egyptians used to represent the Sun God Ra. Being a forever child of the sun... this made perfect sense to me when I seen it... and for the first time I felt some validation into the legitimacy of what I was experiencing (however simple) in meditation.
Altho the deepest desire inside of me was to commune with that spirit named Jill Cadee, this was not happening at all. I was simply getting pencil drawings and (what I later came to realize) small glimpses of past life memories. At this point tho, I didn't care... something was happening. I wasn't forcing it, I didn't even try to get these images... I simply would breath in light until I was glowing... then events came naturally... I was officially addicted to meditation.
I kept up my 3-5 times a day meditation but without the frustration of the first several months. My meditations would last from 30 minutes up to 2 hours at a time.
Then something new was introduced into my rather simple meditation world... a new pencil drawing! I would have a female face, profile view float in from my right side and a male profile face come into view from the left side... they would float inward at the same time, meet in the middle, kiss... I would watch a heart float up from the kiss then the images disappeared and the imagery started all over again.
I started to think... wow maybe spirit is letting me know I was going to meet a man (I was single then too) and fall in love. What did I know about symbology at the time....
I now realized I was being shown the balancing of my masculine and feminine energies and the union that was taking place within me... and I didn't even know it at the time. This led to the most powerful experience I would have for over a year... the opening of my heart chakra!
I did not realize how much healing I was doing with myself as I meditated. I was definitely getting pretty good at focus... this was better than watching any TV show... I was emotionally involved at all times... I didn't even mind when these emotions evoked crying sessions within the meditation.
So here I am, well into a month of meditation with focus and clarity that was getting better with each meditation session... but still no contact from Jill.
I decided to purchase a tape set from one of my favorite mediums... John Edward, which including contacting your spiritual guides. During the process of learning meditation, I also learned via the Internet of spirit guides (which I never heard of prior to this stage of my life).
I decided to do something really different in my meditation. I would start every session breathing in white light... I now wanted to explore different avenues to see what would happen (if anything). I created a little place in my meditative world. I was on the beach at the oceans edge (my favorite place in the whole world) with the sun streaming in on me as I lay on a lounge chair just at the breaking of the waves.
I decided instead of breathing in white light, I was going to breath in the sunlight that was streaming down on me. The sun seemed to be a ready participant, but equally had a mind of its own. When I would start to breath in, the sunlight would enter at my solar plexus area. I was baffled by this and no matter what I tried, this was always the entry point of the sun light. I decided to go with the flow... and the feeling was incredible! I was in sun light heaven here! After about a week of hanging out on my ethereal beach and drinking in gallons of sun light, I seen something move out of the corner of my meditative eye. As I turned to look I was aghast as I realized it was a tiger! I wasn't sure if I should be excited or scared... but being overly excited about this new development in my meditation... I had to explore this in more depth.
I came to learn the tiger is my totem animal. The spirit of the tiger has been with me all my life and over the next several weeks taught me a great deal about healing and dealing with life on a day to day basis (of course I didn't realize this at the time).
The tiger eventually introduced a donkey into our continual interaction in meditation. Even today, as I see a donkey in my physical world, my heart becomes so full of love and gratitude for this creature. The donkey was instrumental in helping me to learn to balance very heavy loads (stresses in life) with grace.
Not once in those times did I realize what they were teaching me or how important any of this "playing" that we were doing would be to me for the rest of my life... I was just so excited to have all this happening... and I let them lead the way at every moment.
And then... something amazing happened. One day after our ritual of playing in a riverside stream... (which I later realized was teaching me to wash myself of stress from my day) my tiger took me to a house on the other side of this stream (until this moment, we never went on the other side of the stream). This house was resembled a log cabin except it was done in stone. It was small and simple and something deep inside of me was soooooo excited to be there. I went to the door and knocked... and beamed with love and joy as my spiritual guides (including Jill) opened the door!
As I entered the cabin there were two distinct energies in there, one was the familiar Jill and the other was a young man named Ramus. I learned that Ramus was the guide that had been with me my entire life (since birth). Both of these energies appeared to be very young, both about appearing (body wise) to be in their 20's. In those days, I didn't think twice about this age thing I was just so excited to be there with something happening... the very thing I wanted was happening... communion with my spiritual guides. Little did I realize how much "credibility" they were putting into my consciousness about our young people. I do not ever look at someone in their 20's and think they are anything less (wisdom wise) than me, quite the opposite really! And I work with a lot of young people with my spiritual development course.
I would go back to this cabin every day, talking to both Jill and Ramus, and listening. I wish I could remember our conversations now, but sadly 5 years and thousands of meditations later, so much has been forgotten on a conscious level. However, the lessons are etched in all I do, say, and feel.
The evolution and transformation of who I Am, who I truly Am, could have never foreseen in those moments, at least not by me. There was a complete stripping down of the personality which was a gradual progression that happened over time, slowly but completely. The various parts of my personality was addressed in many of the meditations. The repetitive behavior that no longer served my purpose was transformed into positive behaviors. However, the progress was so gradual I never really knew what was happening on a cellular level, I just was so excited to have help in my life and with some of the most patient creatures in the universe.
There came a time, maybe about 5 months after I was in deep communion with my spiritual team that I could feel the shift inside of myself. I could feel that something had changed. I am not sure even how to describe this change. I started this path with 5001 questions. Every new experience evoked at least 100 more new questions from me. The demand I ensued for validation of all that was happening in my meditations was insistent and well challenging at best. Then all of a sudden, seemingly out of the blue... I wanted to ask a question, but even before I formulated it in my head, the answer was already there within me. Not from my interactions from my spiritual team, but just laying there within me.
I no longer remember the time frame, but two very distinct interactions happened that I want to mention. Both were life changing for me. I know I have mentioned this one at least once somewhere else on this site as well as in my book, and I am going to mention it again because it was so powerful, so transforming, and so important for all to do that I must talk about it here, again.
I wish I could relate in detail the mess I was as a human. I was truly an emotional mess. As I started to get deep into meditation and healing and confronting various aspects of me, I became even more of a mess. Everything was bubbling to the surface and affecting me. I prayed... no I demanded help from the universe. Begging, pleading, and threatening to quit if someone didn't help me (smile). It was in these moments of deep stress, high confusion, and feeling more lost than found did the Blessed Mother come to me. Since the details of this exchange are elsewhere on this site and in my book, I will simply touch on the importance of what she asked me to do, "lay down ALL your beliefs so you can be filled with the truth of spirit". To imagine the enormity of this request, take a moment, think about everything you believe... everything you believe about yourself, life, religion, god, your family, your work, every aspect of who you are and what you perceive to be the truth, and try to forget it all. Not only forget it all, but wipe it completely out of your mind as if it was never there to begin with.
I wanted so much to please her... this huge icon that was here in my meditation helping me.... me, little ole dysfunctional Lisa. For 3 days straight, every moment of each of those days I tried to figure out how to get rid of all my beliefs. I did, however, realize how much was actually "beliefs" as opposed to truths (very very different in vibration). I couldn't do it, I was clueless how. These beliefs were so deeply engrained in me... made up the very skin that covered me, how do you just let all that go?
Feeling like a failure, I called on her thru meditation on the 3rd day, and simply told her I don't know how to lay down all my beliefs and begged her to help me. I will never know what she did or how, I really don't care to know either, but she did something. In the moment I begged her to help me... I felt it. It felt like someone took a gutting knife, inserted it into my guts and pulled everything out of me. EVERYTHING! It was not painful, but it was the strangest feeling I had ever experienced. I have no words in my vocabulary to even start to describe what happened or the feelings of it. When I got out of meditation I feel so empty. Like there was nothing inside of me. I was just a hollow shell of a woman, with nothing there. No emotion, no feelings, no connections to the memories that were within me. What is really strange as I look back, even the teachings of my church... were gone. The crippling teachings of my Catholicism that kept me in a place of dysfunction and dependence and fear... gone, all gone. Everything I thought was me, was now gone.
Of course this created a whole new set of questions on my part (smile). Who am I? I really no longer new. I started to demand (which was my nature back then, and to a degree, still is today) to know who I am and why is the universe helping me like this. I would get so upset that I no longer knew who I was, I would sit in meditation and just cry asking for them to please tell me who I am. I really didn't know anymore. They always came back with the same loving, assuring voice... you will know one day. Well that didn't help me in that moment!! I really could be my own worst enemy. Several years and thousands of hours of meditation later... I started to understand who I Am. Funny, now that doesn't even matter anymore. What matters is what I can do to help others in their time of need.
My life irrevocably changed forever because I learned how to meditate. I learned how to travel the doorways of information that is available to anyone who wants to learn. Both within themselves as well as the multi-verse that we live within.
It is my deepest desire to help anyone who is just tired of life always being a struggle, or health seeming to elude them... to learn how to be well in every way. There really is a better way!! Please read about the Spiritual Development Course I offer, if you put in the work, I guarantee it will transform your life... naturally!!
With love, honor and the truest sense of Conscious Living to all!!
Namaste,
Lisa Gawlas
Hi, my name is Lisa Gawlas and I feel that sharing my story is important for many reasons. The main reason is to show I am no different than anyone else on the face of this planet... well not really anyway. The majority of my life was hard and painful and I suffered many physical and emotional effects due to that part of my life.
However, the one thing that saved my life (in more ways than one) is the very thing I teach now to anyone who is truly interested in helping themselves... I learned to develop myself spiritually. I am now a very gifted psychic (I prefer the word Spiritual Reader tho) and I am an excellent teacher for those interested in Spiritual Development. I no longer suffer from (severe) depression and have healed my ulcers and have been totally and completely healthy (both physically and emotionally) now for 5 years.
Here is my story:
My childhood was not very pleasant. I was born to a mother who preferred money and men over child rearing. My father left long before I was born. I spent time in and out of foster homes and group homes until finally reaching an age the courts decided I could be emancipated (declared a legal adult) at age 16.
I gave birth to my first child when I was 20 years old and my last child when I was 28 years old. My children were the very best teachers anyone could have ever asked for. I am so grateful that they loved me so much (in spirit) that they agreed to come into my highly dysfunctional earth life so that I may learn the many lessons that comes with being a parent.... and the struggle to be the best parent (vessel of love) a person could be.
For the better part of my life, I was angry, bitter, depressed and questioned the validity of God at every turn. As a child I could not understand what I had done so wrong to have this very lonely and painful life. I grew to hate the concept of God. He seemed to be one more element in my life that echoed worthlessness within myself.
The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 13 years old, the last time was when I was 38. The history of my life seemed to be like an angry ocean... crashing down around me at every turn. No matter how many times I picked myself up and steadied my feet, there always seemed to be another wave waiting to crash down around me.
I had an experience on 11/11/00 that was so powerful... so life changing that I feel the need to share it with you. In June of that year I had yet one more wave tear my life apart. I was severely depressed. So depressed I didn't leave my house for 3 months.
In the summer of 2000 a friend had given me a book to read "Opening doors to other worlds" (I forget the author, I no longer have that book). I glanced at it several times and put it down. I really wasn't a big fan in what some would call the occult. But then, in November of 2000, something inside of me compelled me to pick up that book and read it from cover to cover. There was a very small chapter in that book on Ouija Boards. I have heard of Ouija Boards before but never used one. Something from deep inside of me started to dwell on this particular chapter...
I became obsessed. I wanted a Ouija Board and I wanted one now. My son (who was 17 at the time) had to work that night so I asked his girlfriend if she wanted to play with me on the Ouija Board... she hesitantly agreed. Now I had to find a Ouija Board. Being in the Baptist Belt of NC I knew this was not going to be an easy task... little did I realize it would be impossible. Good thing the book said you can make your own Ouija Board... which is what I had to do. I bought some plastic board and cut it up into little two inch squares and put a letter on each square as well as numbers, yes, no, and good-bye. I bought a 69 cent plastic pudding cup from K-Mart as the plachette (the thing you use to move around the board).
As I was driving home with the contents that would soon make up my homemade Ouija Board I realized there was a full moon outside. I told my sons girlfriend this should work well since there is a full moon (where that statement came from I have no idea).
I sent my youngest child (then 10) to her room at 7:30 pm and told her to stay there. I was not sure what to expect and didn't want her to know what I was doing.
The book said we needed to concentrate. It also said we need to ask simple questions when opening the board. It never said anything about protection before starting this event, or what may come of it.
I placed a small tape recorder next to me so that I may capture anything that was needed for later review. I started asking the question "Is there anyone here". I repeated this statement several times with nothing happening. I realized that doing it this way (as the book instructed) was going to take too long. So I decided to incorporate the first two questions (from the book) in one sentence "if there is anyone here please tell me your name".
After about the 3rd or 4th time of repeating this question our little pudding cup that our fingers were resting upon moved about 3 inches! We both quickly removed our fingers from this cup...completely startled and blaming each other for moving the cup.
After we composed ourselves we put the cup back in the center of my kitchen table (which was serving as the board itself) and started the question over again. This cup immediately moved to the letter C then A then D E E it took a pause then moved to J I L L. The name of this person was Jill Cadee.
I asked many a question. Found out she lived in Iceland in the 1600's (the dates were exact but my memory doesn't recall the dates now). She died when she was 22 years old (and the dates she gave us added up correctly. She said she had 4 children and a husband who died in a fire and later she died on a boat in a storm on the ocean.
The information seemed to come without effort. We had almost no concentration between us. We were smoking cigarettes while using this board... taking our fingers off and putting them back on the pudding cup... but it never interfered with the communication that was coming thru. This cup moved fluidly and without delay.
All of this information came in the course of about 2.5 hours. I now had to stop and go get my son from work. The book also didn't mention anything about closing down a board either. All of this I learned after words.
When my son got home we were telling him in detail all the incredible events that were happening on the kitchen table. He was not impressed... actually became a little nervous. I retrieved the tape recorder to play it back for him and was amazed at what happened on this tape. When me and his girlfriend were simply talking to each other...the tape played normally. When Jill was present and giving us information you could hear a twang in the tape, and it would skip in parts.... but only when we were talking directly to Jill.
We assured him nothing scary was happening... this was actually fun and exciting. This was soon to change. Something very strange happened when the three of us sat down to use this board together. Instead of the loving energy that we could feel coming from Jill, the board seemed to get very dark... very heavy.
It started spelling out the words "fero die... and fire die" over and over again. At one point it spelled out the word Evil and as the word evil was being spelled out a rather large spark emanated on the wall just behind my son traveled down the wall across my dining room floor into the living room and blew out the light that was on the table in the living room.
From somewhere deep inside of me, from a place I can't even tell you where... I instantly raised up my hands in the air and yelled "There will be no evil across my table". Instantly the energy left. But now we were scared. What on earth happened. To this day I have no idea.
I don't know why, but the event didn't scare me, but it did get me angry. I wanted Jill back! After we calmed ourselves down and changed the light bulb in the lamp, we went back to calling on Jill.
Jill came back and started talking to us. My son had a question for her. For the last 6 months or so my television started to turn off and on by itself. I even had it sent out and the off and on switch replaced, but it didn't stop it. The lights would go off and on by themselves. Even my washer would turn off in mid cycle and start up again later. So he had asked if she had been with us the last 6 months. It is in this reply that I knew that me, nor either of the kids had anything to do with moving that plastic pudding cup. She said no, she was with us for the last 5 years. My jaw dropped. In my calculations of 5 years that would have put us in PA and I asked her... since PA and she said no, since Florida. I stopped and thought a moment... ohh my goodness, 5 years ago I was in Florida. That is when I got divorced and then moved to PA.
This quickly turned the conversation from her incarnation to why on earth was she hanging out with us. About a prior to this Ouija session I had seen what looked like a young girl from olden times (I could see her clothing and her face quite clearly) as I was driving home from work. She appeared in my car where the passenger side windshield meets the passenger door. She was so clear to me and only lasted a few seconds... but that image remains vividly with me even today.
I asked her if that was her that I had seen in the corner of my car. Her reply was rather surprising. She spelled out "protect you crash". My son broke down and started crying, which of course started me crying. I then asked her why she was with me all this time. She spelled out "Because he loves you". I was surprised at that answer... but now was hmmm challenging. I am not sure if I was challenging her or the incredible information that was coming out... or myself even. But I became almost mocking... saying out loud... ohh someone loves me, how nice... who is it that loves me. Inside of me I was sure the answer that was going to come out was God. And it was all I thought about as I kept saying sarcastically who loves me... (truly expecting her to spell out God because that is what was in my mind)... I was humbled beyond belief when she spelled out Jesus. I cried.
We were now into our 8th hour of using this Ouija Board... it was 3am and what more could you ask when someone tells you that Jesus loves you so much that he sent a spirit to the earth realm to pretty much hit you over the head to show you how much you are loved. (said with a smile mind you)
Jill said it was now time to rest. I didn't want to rest... I didn't want this to end. But she said good-bye and that was the end of our Ouija Session. It never worked again. I tried many times after that for a couple weeks... but got nothing but stillness from it.
These 8 hours irrevocably changed my life forever.
I needed to get back in touch with this energy named Jill and find out why she said she was hanging out with me because Jesus loved me. I went on the computer and started looking for other ways to contact spirit... and eventually found information on meditation.
Little did I realize that meditation would be the single most difficult thing I would ever try to do for myself. Talk about a mind that was totally and completely out of my own control! Until the moment I started to attempt to quite my mind, I never realized how busy I was thinking (and most of the time stressing) about nothing. Well nothing that really mattered.
My mind was so habitual with its thought patterns I would be in a whole session of self talk with myself for 10 minutes before I realized I wasn't even focusing on breathing any longer. I would get so angry and frustrated with myself I would have to stop the meditation attempt and return later when my (out of control) emotions calmed down. I do want to stress a very positive point here... I NEVER GAVE UP!
Because I quit my (severely negative, emotionally crippling) job and had lots of free time (but no money) on my hands... you could find me trying to meditate up to 5 times a day. I eventually found my bathtub to be the place where I would not fall asleep or concentrate on the traffic going by. I was by far the cleanest human being around (smile).
2 months and many variations of meditations later... I was starting to get control of my reckless mind. I could focus on my breath with feeling and vision. I was starting to receive very primitive pictures in my mind... altho for years I was clueless what these pictures represented. I would like to share two of these experiences... and explain what I came to learn of their symbolism.
The first image that I ever received spontaneously was of what looked like a pencil drawing of a rather simple eye. It would float in from my right side and float across to my left side, disappear then reappear on my right side and start all over again.
I was so excited to see this I would watch it for the longest times... which I came to realize helped me to develop focus in my meditation. Little did I know at the time this imagery (which I thought was random) was actually spirit showing me the opening of my eye chakra within the spiritual world into my physical world. (The right side represents the spiritual world... and this is always where the eye originated from. The left side represents the physical world and this is always where it floated to then dissipated.)
I also found a picture on the Internet of this simple looking eye that for at least a week seem to be the focus of my meditation... much to my surprise it was exactly the same symbol the Egyptians used to represent the Sun God Ra. Being a forever child of the sun... this made perfect sense to me when I seen it... and for the first time I felt some validation into the legitimacy of what I was experiencing (however simple) in meditation.
Altho the deepest desire inside of me was to commune with that spirit named Jill Cadee, this was not happening at all. I was simply getting pencil drawings and (what I later came to realize) small glimpses of past life memories. At this point tho, I didn't care... something was happening. I wasn't forcing it, I didn't even try to get these images... I simply would breath in light until I was glowing... then events came naturally... I was officially addicted to meditation.
I kept up my 3-5 times a day meditation but without the frustration of the first several months. My meditations would last from 30 minutes up to 2 hours at a time.
Then something new was introduced into my rather simple meditation world... a new pencil drawing! I would have a female face, profile view float in from my right side and a male profile face come into view from the left side... they would float inward at the same time, meet in the middle, kiss... I would watch a heart float up from the kiss then the images disappeared and the imagery started all over again.
I started to think... wow maybe spirit is letting me know I was going to meet a man (I was single then too) and fall in love. What did I know about symbology at the time....
I now realized I was being shown the balancing of my masculine and feminine energies and the union that was taking place within me... and I didn't even know it at the time. This led to the most powerful experience I would have for over a year... the opening of my heart chakra!
I did not realize how much healing I was doing with myself as I meditated. I was definitely getting pretty good at focus... this was better than watching any TV show... I was emotionally involved at all times... I didn't even mind when these emotions evoked crying sessions within the meditation.
So here I am, well into a month of meditation with focus and clarity that was getting better with each meditation session... but still no contact from Jill.
I decided to purchase a tape set from one of my favorite mediums... John Edward, which including contacting your spiritual guides. During the process of learning meditation, I also learned via the Internet of spirit guides (which I never heard of prior to this stage of my life).
I decided to do something really different in my meditation. I would start every session breathing in white light... I now wanted to explore different avenues to see what would happen (if anything). I created a little place in my meditative world. I was on the beach at the oceans edge (my favorite place in the whole world) with the sun streaming in on me as I lay on a lounge chair just at the breaking of the waves.
I decided instead of breathing in white light, I was going to breath in the sunlight that was streaming down on me. The sun seemed to be a ready participant, but equally had a mind of its own. When I would start to breath in, the sunlight would enter at my solar plexus area. I was baffled by this and no matter what I tried, this was always the entry point of the sun light. I decided to go with the flow... and the feeling was incredible! I was in sun light heaven here! After about a week of hanging out on my ethereal beach and drinking in gallons of sun light, I seen something move out of the corner of my meditative eye. As I turned to look I was aghast as I realized it was a tiger! I wasn't sure if I should be excited or scared... but being overly excited about this new development in my meditation... I had to explore this in more depth.
I came to learn the tiger is my totem animal. The spirit of the tiger has been with me all my life and over the next several weeks taught me a great deal about healing and dealing with life on a day to day basis (of course I didn't realize this at the time).
The tiger eventually introduced a donkey into our continual interaction in meditation. Even today, as I see a donkey in my physical world, my heart becomes so full of love and gratitude for this creature. The donkey was instrumental in helping me to learn to balance very heavy loads (stresses in life) with grace.
Not once in those times did I realize what they were teaching me or how important any of this "playing" that we were doing would be to me for the rest of my life... I was just so excited to have all this happening... and I let them lead the way at every moment.
And then... something amazing happened. One day after our ritual of playing in a riverside stream... (which I later realized was teaching me to wash myself of stress from my day) my tiger took me to a house on the other side of this stream (until this moment, we never went on the other side of the stream). This house was resembled a log cabin except it was done in stone. It was small and simple and something deep inside of me was soooooo excited to be there. I went to the door and knocked... and beamed with love and joy as my spiritual guides (including Jill) opened the door!
As I entered the cabin there were two distinct energies in there, one was the familiar Jill and the other was a young man named Ramus. I learned that Ramus was the guide that had been with me my entire life (since birth). Both of these energies appeared to be very young, both about appearing (body wise) to be in their 20's. In those days, I didn't think twice about this age thing I was just so excited to be there with something happening... the very thing I wanted was happening... communion with my spiritual guides. Little did I realize how much "credibility" they were putting into my consciousness about our young people. I do not ever look at someone in their 20's and think they are anything less (wisdom wise) than me, quite the opposite really! And I work with a lot of young people with my spiritual development course.
I would go back to this cabin every day, talking to both Jill and Ramus, and listening. I wish I could remember our conversations now, but sadly 5 years and thousands of meditations later, so much has been forgotten on a conscious level. However, the lessons are etched in all I do, say, and feel.
The evolution and transformation of who I Am, who I truly Am, could have never foreseen in those moments, at least not by me. There was a complete stripping down of the personality which was a gradual progression that happened over time, slowly but completely. The various parts of my personality was addressed in many of the meditations. The repetitive behavior that no longer served my purpose was transformed into positive behaviors. However, the progress was so gradual I never really knew what was happening on a cellular level, I just was so excited to have help in my life and with some of the most patient creatures in the universe.
There came a time, maybe about 5 months after I was in deep communion with my spiritual team that I could feel the shift inside of myself. I could feel that something had changed. I am not sure even how to describe this change. I started this path with 5001 questions. Every new experience evoked at least 100 more new questions from me. The demand I ensued for validation of all that was happening in my meditations was insistent and well challenging at best. Then all of a sudden, seemingly out of the blue... I wanted to ask a question, but even before I formulated it in my head, the answer was already there within me. Not from my interactions from my spiritual team, but just laying there within me.
I no longer remember the time frame, but two very distinct interactions happened that I want to mention. Both were life changing for me. I know I have mentioned this one at least once somewhere else on this site as well as in my book, and I am going to mention it again because it was so powerful, so transforming, and so important for all to do that I must talk about it here, again.
I wish I could relate in detail the mess I was as a human. I was truly an emotional mess. As I started to get deep into meditation and healing and confronting various aspects of me, I became even more of a mess. Everything was bubbling to the surface and affecting me. I prayed... no I demanded help from the universe. Begging, pleading, and threatening to quit if someone didn't help me (smile). It was in these moments of deep stress, high confusion, and feeling more lost than found did the Blessed Mother come to me. Since the details of this exchange are elsewhere on this site and in my book, I will simply touch on the importance of what she asked me to do, "lay down ALL your beliefs so you can be filled with the truth of spirit". To imagine the enormity of this request, take a moment, think about everything you believe... everything you believe about yourself, life, religion, god, your family, your work, every aspect of who you are and what you perceive to be the truth, and try to forget it all. Not only forget it all, but wipe it completely out of your mind as if it was never there to begin with.
I wanted so much to please her... this huge icon that was here in my meditation helping me.... me, little ole dysfunctional Lisa. For 3 days straight, every moment of each of those days I tried to figure out how to get rid of all my beliefs. I did, however, realize how much was actually "beliefs" as opposed to truths (very very different in vibration). I couldn't do it, I was clueless how. These beliefs were so deeply engrained in me... made up the very skin that covered me, how do you just let all that go?
Feeling like a failure, I called on her thru meditation on the 3rd day, and simply told her I don't know how to lay down all my beliefs and begged her to help me. I will never know what she did or how, I really don't care to know either, but she did something. In the moment I begged her to help me... I felt it. It felt like someone took a gutting knife, inserted it into my guts and pulled everything out of me. EVERYTHING! It was not painful, but it was the strangest feeling I had ever experienced. I have no words in my vocabulary to even start to describe what happened or the feelings of it. When I got out of meditation I feel so empty. Like there was nothing inside of me. I was just a hollow shell of a woman, with nothing there. No emotion, no feelings, no connections to the memories that were within me. What is really strange as I look back, even the teachings of my church... were gone. The crippling teachings of my Catholicism that kept me in a place of dysfunction and dependence and fear... gone, all gone. Everything I thought was me, was now gone.
Of course this created a whole new set of questions on my part (smile). Who am I? I really no longer new. I started to demand (which was my nature back then, and to a degree, still is today) to know who I am and why is the universe helping me like this. I would get so upset that I no longer knew who I was, I would sit in meditation and just cry asking for them to please tell me who I am. I really didn't know anymore. They always came back with the same loving, assuring voice... you will know one day. Well that didn't help me in that moment!! I really could be my own worst enemy. Several years and thousands of hours of meditation later... I started to understand who I Am. Funny, now that doesn't even matter anymore. What matters is what I can do to help others in their time of need.
My life irrevocably changed forever because I learned how to meditate. I learned how to travel the doorways of information that is available to anyone who wants to learn. Both within themselves as well as the multi-verse that we live within.
It is my deepest desire to help anyone who is just tired of life always being a struggle, or health seeming to elude them... to learn how to be well in every way. There really is a better way!! Please read about the Spiritual Development Course I offer, if you put in the work, I guarantee it will transform your life... naturally!!
With love, honor and the truest sense of Conscious Living to all!!
Namaste,
Lisa Gawlas
posted by Lisa M. Gawlas, CHt at
7/26/2006 07:44:00 AM
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